Lavender Honey Ice Cream!

Yesterday was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY!  As if Americans needed a reason to celebrate Ice Cream. I’m not too much of a fan of the sweets but my crew sure is. Hence, the minion and I created a savory sweet treat to stick in their mutinous face holes.  I have always wanted to try lavender ice cream, but I never thought to use ricotta too! Then I saw Giada De Laurentiis do it and it looked sexy as fuck.  I thought it would be more time consuming than it was… but then I remembered… I HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING ICE CREAM MACHINE! Huzzah! So I dug out the Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker and we had an accord. I found several recipes for lavender ice cream but I always end up making my own version anyway…would you like to see it… well, here it is: 

Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker

3 of the 4 pieces

churn baby churn

……in-greed-ients:

• 2 drops of Doterra LAVENDER essential oil (it’s cheaper if purchased through a sales rep…like myself)
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1 can sweetened condensed milk (lick spoon now)
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream
• 1/2 cup ricotta
• electric purple food coloring- depends on how purple you want it

sweetness

awe yeah

creamy goodness

……..Creamy magic:

1. Must have ice cream maker “ice pot” in the freezer for at least 24 hours prior to making ice cream
2. mix first 5 ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat with electric mixer for 2 min
3. add next 3 ingredients and….
4. whip it, whip it good
6. pour the mixture into the pot and place the churn tool in and put the lid on. Flip the switch and watch your creation come to life in 20-30 min. –

This creamy badassery gets more solid the longer it is in the freezer so if it is still a little soft serve-y just pop the “ice pot” in the freezer with cling wrap over it, for a few. Everyone has there spoon in my pot today, I can’t blame them. Even I am indulging… right after breakfast… I needed a hit. SOMEONE lost my fancy schmancy ice cream scooper so a mellon baller makes cute little balls just fine. I placed my ice cream on top of a warm chia cinnamon pancake and sprinkled it with coconut shavings and chia seeds….. because cones are for kids. I am a grown ass wench and have pallet needs that have surpassed my crews.  So get creative and make it your own! Savy?!

lavender honey ice cream balls

Lavender Honey Ice cream pancake

Lick it good

 

Ratatouille!

I absofuckinlutely love meat. BUT… I absofuckinlutely love veggies too. The first mate came aboard and says “where’s the meat babe?”   I just laughed and gave him a spatula full.  The scarfing that ensued reinforces the method to my madness!  The neighbor even came by and tried to invoke parlay when I forced him to try some (he doesn’t really “do veggies”)… he licked that shit up. So, good.  Now I usually wait until the beginning of spring to make this dish when the air is still crisp and the Japanese eggplant MIGHT actually be in stock at my local stores. NO such luck this week. I just had too many zucchinis, tomatoes and yellow squashes to not make this. I’ve done it several times now and I decided it needed baby Portobello mushrooms this time…. No recipe on the sea nor land is safe from my imagination!  Ratatouille is originally a French side dish from poor folks, made from scrap veggies.  FYI: Poor folks make some damn good grub. When the movie Ratatouille came out, the minion was all excited about making this dish with me. ( It doesn’t mean he will actually eat it, but he tried it.)  That’s what made me start looking up different variations. Some say sautéing all of the veggies together is right, some say to cook them separately. This one ruffian says to simmer them in a pot……

“The secret of a good ratatouille is to cook the vegetables separately so each will taste truly of itself.”            – Joel Robuchon

Julia Child’s version involves sautéing the eggplant, squash and zucchini separately and then layering them whilst the tomatoes, onion, garlic and bells are made into a piperade sauce bed and baked.  I like that shit… and it’s Julia Fucking Child… so I twisted her recipe up…. and put it in my pipe…. and smoked it.  Twice.   

……in-greed-ients:

• 1 eggplant (or 2-3 Japanese eggplants if your lucky enough to find them)
• 1 short fat zucchinis
• 1 short fat yellow squash
• 1 skinny long red bell pepper
• 2-3 large baby bella shrooms
• thyme
• red pepper flakes

……saucy:

• 1 whole Roasted red pepper (do this before in the oven with EVOO and have it skinned & ready)
• 1/2 large yellow onion – chopped
• 2 whole roasted garlic cloves
• 1 box of tomato chunks or 2-3 medium vine ripe tomatoes (cans of tomatoes are bad for you…. see here why: canned tomatoes are bad mmkay?
• herbs de province
• Himalayan pink salt
• EVOO – I still love this brand –Texas Hill Country Olive Oil

……optional (but suggested):

• goat cheese crumbles
• 1-2 cups precooked couscous (I prefer the large pearls)

Ratatouille with cous cous

……the sauce magic:

1. blend chopped onion, tomato, roasted pepper, garlic, herbs, oil and salt in a food processor until it is thick and drinkable. (now would be a great time for a bloody mary!)
2. pour this bloody sauce into any large dish, like a 9X13 or a round, or a tart dish…what ever you got…. I used my favorite dish. See here:…cazuela’s fucking rock

……the veggie magic:

1. preheat oven to 375*
2. slice all veggies thin  You can use a mandoline slicer but I quit using mine due to loosing my muthafuckn finger tips occasionally. (I may or may not have been drinking). My swashbuckling skills are better than that stupid contraption anyhow.   Make these slices about 1/4 of an inch. Too thin and they fall apart, too thick and they don’t cook. The eggplant can be thinner because its so damn chewy.
3. start a circle or spiral layering process from the outside in. I like to start with eggplant (because its stronger and bigger )then, zucchini, then squash, then red bell, then mushroom.
4. top that shit with thyme, drizzle with EVOO and cover it with foil  or parchment  paper.
5. bake this badassery for about 45-55 min. I like mine more crunchy and not falling apart, savy?

Ratatouille MY way

Now the French pirate in me likes to scoop some of this onto a plate of soft couscous pearls and top it with creamy goat cheese and have it with a velvety sweet red wine…… but the first mate says shredded gouda is better. lol. This stuff does not stay in the fridge…I have to make two usually. It’s that fucking good. Pardon my French but….  Bon Appetit mutha fuckas.  Try new things every day, you might be surprised! 

Ratatouille

Ratatouille and Mead Wine

 

Plantain Cups with Mango & Avocado

Most North American land lubbers have not experimented much with the plantain. This is a “the gods damned”  travesty. Plantains are fucking amazeballs.  We pirates LOoOoOve them and eat them frequently, as well as mango!  First off, don’t confuse them with plain old bananas. I  mean nanas are great too… but not as sexy & versatile! You can make plantains sweet or savory because they are a lot like potatoes and bananas. I have sautéed them in honey, mashed them with butter and garlic, fried them and flambéed them with rum, ect… Here is a recipe that is easier than shit. I know yall lazy skurvs like easy….its great for summer.  So go get you some plantains and get to work, savy?

…in-greed-ients:

• 2 medium ripe plantains, peeled, chopped in a food processor (not blended)
• some coconut flakes (like a cup)
• 1 large egg + 1 egg white
• 1 can coconut milk – the good shit not the light – chillin like a villain.
• 1 tsp vanilla
• some honey – BUY LOCAL BITCHES – I’m currently using this brand: Goodflow Honey
• a mango
• an avocado
• some chopped cilantro
• 1 lime (juice)
• cinnamon (powdered)
• Himalayan pink salt & cracked pepper

……the magic:

• preheat oven to 400*
• chop plantain in a food processor until rice like
• add eggs and coconut to plantain in a bowl – coat and toss and season with salt and pepper.
• spray muffin / cupcake tin with cooking spray
• spoon a glob into each hole. use a shot glass to make the cup shape, buy pressing down in the center and on the sides
• bake for 15 min
• whilst they are baking, pour coconut cream, vanilla, and honey in to bowl and mix with a hand blender or immersion blender until whipped…like 7 minutes. set aside.
• chop/ slice avocado and mango into cubes. Toss it wit cilantro and lime juice and cinnamon. Let me splain:

Now fill those glory holes with the delicioso mix! Top with some of that creamy whipped goodness, sprinkle some more coconut flakes on top, and there ya have it mates….. dessert is served.  Yar brethren court should approve!                                                              (my cream sat too long before the picture was taken here).

 

Bacon Wrapped Corn on the cob!

Yes, Yes,  I am the great cornholio!  Ok, so I know I didn’t invent grilling corn.  BUT…I did perfect my version of “grilled corn” and I will never go back. So, the crew loves a good corn on the cob. Sometimes we cover it in greek yogurt (in lieu of sour cream) and lime juice & cayenne, some times its pesto slathered, and sometimes its smeared with garlic paste and brie.  I mean its still just corn…but this time IT’S WRAPPED IN BACON!  I like my corn to have the husks on, to use as a handle to eat with and it just looks prettier. Also, I guess I’ve really been on a bacon kick lately. Probably because I banned it from the ship for months during one of my shake diets. Love me some protein shakes, but as Captain I realize now, that I can’t be a good leader without the Bacon. So if you are one of those people that are shaking your head at this point, suck on some bacon and see here http://bacontoday.com/bacon-is-good-for-you/ about how BACON is actually good for you.

The first mate swears that corn doesn’t even get processed in his body and there’s nothing good for you about it… I like to prove him wrong.. so here’s this FYI about corn: Corn not only provides the necessary calories for healthy, daily metabolism, but is also a rich source of vitamins A, B, E and many minerals. Its high fiber content ensures that it plays a significant role in the prevention of digestive ailments like constipation and hemorrhoids as well as colorectal cancer. The antioxidants present in corn also act as anti-carcinogenic agents and prevent Alzheimer’s disease. Corn aids in controlling diabetes, prevention of heart ailments, lowering hypertension and prevention of neural-tube defects at birth as well. So there. Eat your corn you lily livered sea swine.

…..in-greed-ients:

• 2 fresh ears of corn (BUY LOCAL BITCHES)
• 4 strips of thick ass bacon
• 1/4 cup parmesan cheese, shredded
• lime / lemon or both.. because we love them.
• garlic butter… (I’ve been making my own with roasted garlic cloves.. so good.)
• cayenne, Himalayan salt, cracked black pepper
• foil

…….the corny magic:

1. Peel back husks, de-hair your corn
2. slather corn cobs in garlic butter
3. wrap corn cobs in 2 strips of bacon each, because the bacon will shrivel and shrink… not unlike a man thrown over board.
4. wrap each cob in foil all the way to the tips of the husks, twist ends.
5. grill on high for 20-25 min, rotating
6. unwrap and gently place corn directly on the fire for 3-4 minutes to get bacon crispy (we don’t want no soft meat)
7. plate it and sprinkle cheese and lemon / lime juice and seasoning
8. enjoy the fuck out of it because there are 3 delicious food groups here people.

 

Bacon Wrapped Bison Beer Burger…with macaroni buns!

WHOOHOOO!

Disclaimer: this here burger was NOT quick to make. It definitely took some prep time. BUT, I can’t believe it took me 30 something years to finally make and eat one.  We all love a good burger (well, at least us meat eaters do) but this is no regular burger. Any time you wrap anything in bacon it immediately gets another star. A food porn star. Then, adding an egg also, wins a double air guitar from me….drool. Also, anything with avocado will be assuredly going into my face hole. So, when it’s got MACAFUCKNRONI buns, I mean, come on.. I can’t even.  The first mate almost didn’t let me take pictures of this thing. He likes his egg POPPED…. I know, what a weirdo. Bleh!

So, as I was making this monster, I realized how gargantuan it was going to be and I adjusted mine to be an open faced monster…. because I may be a salty wench, but I am still a lady, and don’t open my mouth that big for just anything/anyone…… these days.  Plus mine HAS to have a RUNNY egg…or its not worth eating.

Now, for the instructions: hold fast crew…. this will be a long and arduous journey….but there will be treasure at the end!  OH, also, there were jicama fries involved. They were great, although not the star of this tale.

……the in-greed-ients:

• 2.5 -3 cups pre made macaroni (what ever kind you want, but make it sticky and cheesey and ooey gooey- I like shells)
• Himalayan pink salt & pepper
• flour
• panko crumbs
• 2 LARGE EGGS
• some oil (http://texashillcountryoliveco.com/terra-verde-garlic-infused-evoo-250ml/ because….this olive oil is good shit yo) BUY LOCAL BITCHES

• 1/2 lb bison meat – why? because its low in cholesterol, high protein, fewer calories and lots of omega 3…and because its ARRRGSOME!
• 1/3 cup diced onions
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 package beef onion soup mix
• 3 LARGE EGGS
• some worst-chester-shire sauce. (we gave up saying and spelling this correctly a long time ago)
• garlic powder
• thin sliced provolone (or what ever cheese suits your fancy)
• 1 ripe as fuck avocado (muy importante)
• peppercorn bacon 4 strips
• flavorgod spicy everything seasoning… again because its ARRGSOME! http://bing.flavorgod.com/
• once again, I found myself using TORCHYS damn good diablo sauce http://torchystacos.com/product/hot-sauce/for my burger dressing. I guess im an addict. If you are too, then you should check out my FB group “Do you even sauce bro?” https://www.facebook.com/groups/295299200668548/
• AN ALE – I used NEW CASTLE WERE WOLF, its an Irish red ale that I enjoy…. but its really up to you.
• 

…..the bunssssss:

1. Divide your mac into 4 balls
2. Line the bottom of 4 bowl or saucer shaped things with saran wrap and spray it with spray oil.
3. Squish them into these bowls, saucers. If you can’t find anything bun shapped… just make tightly compacted 1/2 in thick patties with the saran wrap and stick them in the freezer.
4. When it is time….put oil in the pan….coat each mac bun in the egg wash, then the flour, then the panko.
5.  Fry them up like fried green tomatoes or grilled cheese…..mmmmm.. grilled cheese.
6. Set aside on paper towel to cool.

……the burger magic:

1. Squish the meat, oats, beefy onion soup mix, 1 egg, worst sauce, diced onions, and all powdered seasonings with your bare hands. I have found that the more sloppy noises it makes, the better it’s gon taste.
2. Pour a shot or two of beer in there… chug the rest. CHUG… CHUG… CHUG… CHUG….. good job mate.
3. Make 2 fist sized balls. Flatten them and wrap them in 2 bacon slices each.  (this takes some hand skills) I used the criss cross method.
4. Stick them fatties in the fridge for a bit…(and NOW ITS TIME to fry up the buns).
5. Fry them suckas up in a frying pan. The bacon is enough grease to cook it. I like mine med rare, but again…its all up to how you like’em.  Also, if you could grill them that would be super, just don’t loose the bacon, so use a grill pan….savy?
6. Set aside on paper towel to drain.
7. fry the last 2 eggs to your liking. If it ain’t a runny egg, your a dirty bilge rat and we can’t be friends.

…..the assembly:

1. first the bun
2. then the sliced avocado
3. then the dripping bacon bison burger….drool.
4. chug another beer, this is hard work.
5. then the sliced cheese
6. then the egg of glory
7. slather the top bun with Torchy’s sauce and ranch if you ain’t skeerd…and gingerly place it on the stack.
8. do not squash, drop or disassemble!

Good luck eating this monster. It was amazeballs and I probably won’t do it often because I like my arteries. Now, who’s swabbing the dishes? Drink up me hearties yoho!

 

Rum Strawberries & Coconut Cream Panna Cotta!

ARRGight ARRGight ARRGight… this is L I V I N. So, I call this the “Lip Smacker” because it tastes like strawberries and cream and makes your mouth say *SmAcK*!  I had some heavy cream and strawberries so I figured… hey, I can make something outta this. All I can say is dayum. When it comes to desserts, the sexiest ones for me are crème brulee and panna cotta.  (Reminder to self: maybe use this for sexy food play night.) It takes a little patience and needs to be real chill….if you get my drift.  I feel like this is a good pirate dessert hence the rum and coconut flavors. Also, t’would be a sweet ass Valentines day treat for the lovers. My recipe makes enough for 3 med wine glasses or 4-5 ramekins but who says you can’t just put it in a big ass bowl and eat it with your face. I don’t judge. No haters allowed.

…..in-greed-ients:

• 1 package gelatin (about 6 grams)
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 cup thick coconut milk
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1tsp coconut extract
• 1/2 cup honey (buy local bitches)
• 2 tsp coconut shreds
• 1 lb strawberries (the big ass package)
• 1/2 cup sugar
• some kraken rum,http://www.krakenrum.com/ like a shot… then a few shots for you!

……the creamy magic:

1. Mix gelatin with 2 tsp water in a large mixing bowl and let it poof up for like 10 min while you do other shit
2. in a large sauce pan bring to a simmer: cream, coconut milk, and honey
3. when it starts to bubble, take off heat, allow to cool 5 min
4. add vanilla & coconut extract, gelatin & stir it up..
5. pour equal parts into 3 wine classes or 4-5 ramekins and set to chill (slanted or flat or what evs…might have to prop that shit up on something like wet paper towels in a bowl).
6. Just chill.  like 3-4 hours. Can leave over night. fuck it. Do a shot or 3.

……the rum sauce:

1. boil the washed and sliced strawberries, all accept for 3 of the prettiest ones
2. add honey and rum and smash with a muddler or a potato smasher. HULK SMASH & do a shot.
3. then blend in a food processor and chill until it thickens

Layer these sexy beauties when you are ready to serve.  Sprinkle the coconut shavings on top.  Slice the prettiest berries in half and cut a V into the tops to make hearts and stick’em on the side of the glass or slap’em right on top of what ever you poured it into. Now try not to make inappropriate moaning noises whilst eating this. Good luck with that.

 

Squash Taco boat with holy green sauce!

Hells muthafuckn yeah! It’s taco Tuesday again. So here’s one of my fav taco dishes fo dat ass.  It’s actually good for your ass too, because it’s made from a butternut squash! First of all, I really dig butternut squashes because they are so useful for every season.   Secondly, because they look like disco sticks.  I know, I know, sorry.. but tis true, and any time I can serve phallic shaped foods is fun for me, fun for you, fun for everyone! Alas, there is no picking this up and looking silly eating it.  It shall be devoured with a “dinglehopper”!  Yes, this dish is a “better choice” taco because it’s stuffed to the gills with lean ground turkey and other crap that’s good for you.  Long live… you!  And long live the Captain…. that’s me. 🙂

…..in-greed-ients

• 1 butternut squash (the most “King Richard” shaped one you can find)
• 1 lb lean ground turkey
• 2- 3 tomatoes (depends on the voluptuousness of these ladies)
• 1 white onion
• 1 can low sodium black beans (rinsed)
• olive oil (some…?)
• Himalayan pink salt & fresh cracked black pepper
• mexican shredded cheese …. if you wish to top this marvelous creature with its gooey goodness

…..holy green sauce batman!

• 1 clove garlic -peeled with this other phallic like yet really badass thing
• 1 juice of lime
• cilantro -hand full
• 1 serrano pepper -seeded and chopped
• 1 green ancho pepper – roasted is better
• 1/4 avocado
• olive oil
• chipotle powder
• light greek yogurt -a heaping spoonful
• flavorgod’s “spicy everything” seasoning
• a pinch of salt
• a squirt bottle (cooks that don’t play, already have one of these…get one son)

……the magic begins

1. preheat oven to 400*
2. Slice that wang in half, scoop out its seed and  lube it all up with OIL (or butter if you live dangerously) on the inside and salt & pepper
3. bake it UPSIDE DOWN for about 30-40 min, until its pokeable, then slice some cubes out of the middle but leave a good amount like a bowl on the sides.
4. whilst this is baking brown diced onions in olive oil in skillet, add turkey and brown until…. well.. until its brown.
5. add diced tomato and rinsed black beans… cook a wee bit more
6. whilst THAT is cooking, blend all sauce items in a blender, food processor, immersion blender…what evs. Blend that shit till creamy. If its too thick to be squirted, add more olive oil and lime juice.
7. Now mix butternut chunks with meat mixture, and scoop back into the squash halves and broil on low for 8-10 min with or without cheese.
8. fill squirt bottle with green stuff, and squirt the holy green sauce all. over. that. Johnson.
9. take many pictures and send them to your friends
10. Now, I can tell you, to eat a D.

So, this serves two hungry adults….. and some children who wont eat the squash, but they will eat the taco mix stuffed into some cheap ass taco shells.  They might pick out some of the beans or onions… but they can’t get them all!  I tell mine to “Eat it or starve you little insubordinate skullsucker! Walk the plank!”

 

Roasted Truffle Cauliflower & Cabbage

Holy vegetables batman! We just can’t seem to get enough of this shit. I know some of you don’t “enjoy” cabbage or think cauliflower is blah… well… you sir/ ma’am are fucking lame. Wake up and smell the truffle oil spray y’all!  Go getchu some  if you cant find it. order it.  Its that awesome.  http://www.amazon.com/Mantova-Spray-Virgin-Truffle-8-Ounce/dp/B005HFZ0RG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434144005&sr=8-1&keywords=mantova+truffle+spray Some say it has a weird smell or flavor… well, yeah, if you eat it out of the spray can. Anyhow, Its good for fries, veggies, whatevs. Spray that shit on the poop deck for all I care and watch em all fall down. The spray isn’t that cheap, but that’s still cheap entertainment.

PS.  This particular snack does not stay crunchy in the fridge as well as we wish it would … so for parties its magical!  Good thing it doesn’t last on the table anyway, I barely even got any… its that fucking good.

.….in-greed-ients

• whole cauliflower
• whole purple cabbage
• can of black truffle oil spray
• 1/2 cup parmesan cheese
• foil and an oven that doesn’t suck (like mine)

The magic:

1. Preheat oven to 425*
2. Slice veggies into discs / slices abou1/4-1/2 half an inch thick depending on how savy you are with a blade.
3. lay them straight… on a few foil lined cookie sheets or baking pans
4. spray the shit out of them and salt and pepper and cheese coat them to your hearts content
5. bake like crazy.. no, just for about 35-40 min.  I like to broil for a few at the end for a crunch.
6. that’s it… why are you still reading this.. go make it now!

I am a land lubber too.. and a lubber of nature.  I am so glad it’s magnolia season again.  My kitchen smells like my grandmas house and its AAARRGG-some!

 

Hazel Peaches & Cheese Honey Tarts

Well, I’m not much of a sweets person. Savory is my sin. I also, can’t say enough about cheese… so I won’t even start right now. BUT, there are sooo many kinds of cheeses and since I had some peaches and goat cheese pairs so well with fruit, I had to make these dirty little tarts.  The first mate LOATHES goat cheese… says it tastes like an actual goat.. to which I reply.. “dafuq you say?”. Anyhow, that’s totally fine. More for the Captain. Be gone… peasant.

The fact that I am NOT home made pastry friendly used to bother me.. but I have over come my want to be perfect at all things food and now I settle for measly ol’ store bought puff pastry any day. I will however NOT succumb to buying some fancy schmancy honey from the gods knows where. So I’ll say it here and then tag it as well.. BUY LOCAL BITCHES. This honey is from http://www.kannimports.com/x_cedar_creek/cedar_creek.html and its tha bomb yo!  Just trying to do my part.

PS. If anyone wants to give me their granny’s peaches I will gladly use them and thank her via the internet. lol.

……in-greed-ients:

• slice 2-3 peaches
• frangelica
• goat cheese container (I don’t know, a tub of it)
• puff pastry sheets
• local honey
• peppercorns
• parchment

…..Tart magic:

• flambe peach slices in frangelica for a bit
• lay out 1 of the thawed puff sheets on floured surface
• cut into rectangles, or squares, or triangles… doesn’t fucking matter, just fold up the sides for a border.
• drop some goat cheese crumbles
• lay them peaches down
• sprinkle with more goat cheese
• cracked pepper shower
• bake @375 for 25-30 min
• drizzle with honey and stuff yo face.