Bacon Wrapped Bison Beer Burger…with macaroni buns!

WHOOHOOO!

Disclaimer: this here burger was NOT quick to make. It definitely took some prep time. BUT, I can’t believe it took me 30 something years to finally make and eat one.  We all love a good burger (well, at least us meat eaters do) but this is no regular burger. Any time you wrap anything in bacon it immediately gets another star. A food porn star. Then, adding an egg also, wins a double air guitar from me….drool. Also, anything with avocado will be assuredly going into my face hole. So, when it’s got MACAFUCKNRONI buns, I mean, come on.. I can’t even.  The first mate almost didn’t let me take pictures of this thing. He likes his egg POPPED…. I know, what a weirdo. Bleh!

So, as I was making this monster, I realized how gargantuan it was going to be and I adjusted mine to be an open faced monster…. because I may be a salty wench, but I am still a lady, and don’t open my mouth that big for just anything/anyone…… these days.  Plus mine HAS to have a RUNNY egg…or its not worth eating.

Now, for the instructions: hold fast crew…. this will be a long and arduous journey….but there will be treasure at the end!  OH, also, there were jicama fries involved. They were great, although not the star of this tale.

……the in-greed-ients:

• 2.5 -3 cups pre made macaroni (what ever kind you want, but make it sticky and cheesey and ooey gooey- I like shells)
• Himalayan pink salt & pepper
• flour
• panko crumbs
• 2 LARGE EGGS
• some oil (http://texashillcountryoliveco.com/terra-verde-garlic-infused-evoo-250ml/ because….this olive oil is good shit yo) BUY LOCAL BITCHES

• 1/2 lb bison meat – why? because its low in cholesterol, high protein, fewer calories and lots of omega 3…and because its ARRRGSOME!
• 1/3 cup diced onions
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 package beef onion soup mix
• 3 LARGE EGGS
• some worst-chester-shire sauce. (we gave up saying and spelling this correctly a long time ago)
• garlic powder
• thin sliced provolone (or what ever cheese suits your fancy)
• 1 ripe as fuck avocado (muy importante)
• peppercorn bacon 4 strips
• flavorgod spicy everything seasoning… again because its ARRGSOME! http://bing.flavorgod.com/
• once again, I found myself using TORCHYS damn good diablo sauce http://torchystacos.com/product/hot-sauce/for my burger dressing. I guess im an addict. If you are too, then you should check out my FB group “Do you even sauce bro?” https://www.facebook.com/groups/295299200668548/
• AN ALE – I used NEW CASTLE WERE WOLF, its an Irish red ale that I enjoy…. but its really up to you.
• 

…..the bunssssss:

1. Divide your mac into 4 balls
2. Line the bottom of 4 bowl or saucer shaped things with saran wrap and spray it with spray oil.
3. Squish them into these bowls, saucers. If you can’t find anything bun shapped… just make tightly compacted 1/2 in thick patties with the saran wrap and stick them in the freezer.
4. When it is time….put oil in the pan….coat each mac bun in the egg wash, then the flour, then the panko.
5.  Fry them up like fried green tomatoes or grilled cheese…..mmmmm.. grilled cheese.
6. Set aside on paper towel to cool.

……the burger magic:

1. Squish the meat, oats, beefy onion soup mix, 1 egg, worst sauce, diced onions, and all powdered seasonings with your bare hands. I have found that the more sloppy noises it makes, the better it’s gon taste.
2. Pour a shot or two of beer in there… chug the rest. CHUG… CHUG… CHUG… CHUG….. good job mate.
3. Make 2 fist sized balls. Flatten them and wrap them in 2 bacon slices each.  (this takes some hand skills) I used the criss cross method.
4. Stick them fatties in the fridge for a bit…(and NOW ITS TIME to fry up the buns).
5. Fry them suckas up in a frying pan. The bacon is enough grease to cook it. I like mine med rare, but again…its all up to how you like’em.  Also, if you could grill them that would be super, just don’t loose the bacon, so use a grill pan….savy?
6. Set aside on paper towel to drain.
7. fry the last 2 eggs to your liking. If it ain’t a runny egg, your a dirty bilge rat and we can’t be friends.

…..the assembly:

1. first the bun
2. then the sliced avocado
3. then the dripping bacon bison burger….drool.
4. chug another beer, this is hard work.
5. then the sliced cheese
6. then the egg of glory
7. slather the top bun with Torchy’s sauce and ranch if you ain’t skeerd…and gingerly place it on the stack.
8. do not squash, drop or disassemble!

Good luck eating this monster. It was amazeballs and I probably won’t do it often because I like my arteries. Now, who’s swabbing the dishes? Drink up me hearties yoho!