Taco Frito Empanadas!

Why Yes, I do like to theme cook! I theme dress, theme drink and theme party, why not theme cook too? On Tuesdays we TACO…..or some version of something “taco like”.  I serve Mexican beer or we take tequila shots and sometimes I wear my tiny sombrero. Its mucho adorkable. This week I made taco empanadas with fritos and ranch beans…..and it was a bitchin success! I made 6 and it fed 3 with 2 for the first mate to take to work the next day. This shit was so easy… even a white girl can do it! Most empanadas are of Latin origin, have a pastry shell, and either a savory or a sweet filling. As you know, I am a savory wench. A lot of empanada recipes have cheese inside it.. I don’t like to do that because when reheating them, the cheese gets fucking weird. So I made a chipotle queso sauce to smother these fuckers with. Also, no taco type substance is complete without an avocado element. Hence, HOLY GUACAMOLE! (not included in this post) The minion was all “I don’t like the yellow things” and I was all…”suck it up and eat it or starve!”  Long story long… the crew didn’t starve, and will survive to fight another day thanks to Captain D’kay and her taco frito empanadas!

……in-greed-ients:

• 2 thawed pie pastrys (comes with two per box usually)
• some flour – to keep things from getting sticky
• 1/2 lb lean ground beef
• 1/2 can rotel with chilies
• 1/2 can golden hominy
• 1/4 diced white onion
• some minced garlic
• 1/2 cup fritos- crushed (like when chang crushes fritos in OITNB…if you have seen that one)
• taco seasoning mix-powder
• 2 green jalepenos – diced and deseeded 
• 1 can RANCH BEANS – that’s right.. because this is MY WAY damnit! 
• 1 egg
• 1 tbsp taco sauce

…….Dama El Grande Queso!:

• 1/2 cup sharp cheddar
• 1/2 cup monterey jack 
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tbsp flour
• smoked chipotle powder
• garlic powder

…… Taco magic: 

1. pour evoo in a large deep pan
2. brown onions for 2 minutes then add garlic
3. add beef and taco seasoning – brown
4. add rotel and hominy
5. smash ranch beans in a bowl with a potato masher- HULK SMASH!
6. a round of tequila shots for you, yourself and your other hand.  You deserve it!
7. roll out pie dough on floured surface
8. cut out rounds as big as your hand (makes about 6 depending on your size- I put my hand down and make a circle around it with my blade)
9. press scraps together and make more rounds – it’s easy if you try.
10. spoon some beans onto the middle of each round
11. spoon some beef mix onto the middle of each round
12. top with some crushed fritos 
13. fold over and press down on sides with fingers
14. fork around the edges to seal
15. pour some taco sauce in a small bowl and whisk with egg- it gives the crust a shiny brown finish. 
16. egg wash the whole thing with a brush
17. poke some holes to release pressure with a fork
18. I like to make shapes with the left over dough and stick them on with egg wash… like hearts, stars, and skulls like this one that is in the mail on it’s way to me. It will be mine!… skull cookie cutter
19. bake these beaners for about 15 – 20 min depending on how golden you like them. I like my crispy and brown
20. take a shot of Tequila!

Beaners

Beef mix

Empanada fixins

………cheesy magic: 

1. heat butter in a small sauce pot
2. add flour to make a paste
3. whisk in milk
4. add cheese 
5. add chipotle and garlic seasoning
6. bathe your tongue in this cheesy goodness! Drench the empanadas with this golden love sauce. 

Tequila

sad face

Empanadas

…..Holy Guacamole! 

This, I must divulge in another post… can’t give away all my secrets in one day!  You can either make your own or buy some store crap until then….Tequila Shot! Drink up me hearties yo ho! 

Me with my Tiny Sombrero

 

INDEPENDENCE JELL-O-SHOTS!

YAY FOR AMERICA! The fourth of July is always a great reminder of how lucky we all are to be free from tyranny! Free to be pirates if we want to, or to eat meat and drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Murica, the land of the free and home of the Jell-O-shot. There is a long and interesting history of pirates and privateers fleeing the waters of the British Empire to be free and trade (or steal) where ever they pleased. There is hidden treasure and buried loot every where along the eastern shores and islands. I made some of my very own treasure this Independence day, and although red white and blue were the 13 colonies colors, anyone can claim them. The American flag stands for freedom and I’m all about that.. that and rum. I’m all about that too. See my patriotism below: I made 160 but I think 90 would do just fine for a righteous pirate party. This takes time so start early… like the afternoon before you need them.

…….in-greed-ients:

• 2 3 oz package of blue jello
• 2 3 oz package of cherry jello
• 4 packets of knox gelatin
• 1 cup coconut milk
• 1 can sweetened condensed milk
• 2 cups cherry rum
• 2 cups whipped cream rum
• 2 cups coconut rum (I chose the captain morgan brand…of course)
• about 90 jello shot cups.

………Jell-O magic:

1. first, set up the cups on trays of some kind so you can transport them to a fridge
2. get fridge ready – make some space for these suckers cause they are gonna need it
3. in a pot boil 2 cups water
4. add cherry jello, let it dissolve, add 2 cups cherry rum
5. allow it to cool and pour a layer into the cups- try not to spill that shit everywhere… good luck with that.
6. carry them to the fridge ….carefully.
7. while they are setting (the package says 4 hours but they could be ready in 2-3 hours) have a party.. drink some shots.. what ever. 
8. continue this routine with the white but use the condensed milk and coconut milk instead of water to boil. Remove Add knox and stir until dissolved… then remove from heat, add coconut rum. Let it cool,
9. and pour it into cups carefully not to disturb the red layer. Use a spoon to be safe.
10. put the trays in the fridge again for several hours. Have some more shots! At this point we let the kids practice bartending for us. 
11. Now boil the 2 cups of water for the blue
12. remove from heat and add blue jello, dissolve, add whipped cream rum, cool,
13. go get the trays out and use a spoon to pour.
14. fridge.
15. drink some shots

Tomorrow the shots should be ready for lids and transport. They should stay firm whilst sitting out for a long time. I like to stack them for a more patriotic effect.

Jello Shots

Independence shots

Arrrrrrhmerica! Fuckyeah!

 

 

Tuaca Blueberry, Brie & Lemon Galette!

Why aren’t there any good French places near my island? (I call my town my island because it’s mine and it’s self sustaining until we go on vacation excursions.) I tried to stay true to my detox this week but someone bought brie and pie crust.  Someone also gave me tons of blueberries, which is superb! So, galettes it is mates!  Sometimes there is nothing else that can satisfy my first mates sweet tooth but a pastry pie. I see this recipe on Pinterest all the damn time, but I made it my bitch…. like I do. Also, I know how y’all rascals love that ready made pie crust….it just fits right into your busy schedule. So, here tis the good stuff.  Stuff yo face with it:

……in-greed-ients:

• 1 package store bought pie crust (comes with 2)
• 2 cups blueberries
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp. cornstarch
• 1 tsp vanilla
• some salt
• 1 egg
• 1 round of brie (man, I love cheese)
• 1 large lemon
• some honey
• some Tuaca ( a shot for the bowl, and a few for yourself)

……the berry magic:

1. preheat oven to 425
2. mix berries, sugar, cornstarch, zest of the whole lemon, and juice of the lemon, vanilla, a shot of tuaca, and salt in a bowl… mix it good.
3. drink a shot….and yell TUACA!!!! Ah, that’s better
4. unroll the dough, place a 5 in round bowl, or ramekin, or pastry cutter on the dough and cut circles. Can re roll scraps to make more circles until its gone.
5. plop those circles on a sprayed sheet of parchment on a pan
6. cut some thin chunks of brie and make a flat bed in the middle of the circles
7. spoon about 2 heaping spoonfulls of berry mixture on top of the brie bed in each circle
8. fold the edges up over the sides of the filling. About a half inch all the way around, folding and pressing the bottom to keep that shit in place.  Tell it who’s the captain!
9. make an egg wash with the egg, brush it over the dough.
10. shot time… you deserved it! You, my mate, are the tits!
    

    Shots, shots, shots….

11. bake for 15 to 20 min depending on how crisp you want them. Don’t worry about the purple ooze coming out, that’s just the good stuff.. I call it, Ivan Ooze.

Now top these buggars with honey (because honey is the bees knees) and whipped cream if you like….. and make a hot mess!  Also great with other fruit and cheeses, savy?!  Drink up me hearties YOHO!

Blueberry Brie Galette